We’ve all heard the phrase ‘hurt people hurt people’. While it’s a beautiful tool for empathy, when does an explanation accidentally become an excuse? Let’s explore the balance between understanding someone’s past and protecting our own boundaries…
Hello Neighbor!
If you spend any time reading modern self-help or scrolling through coaching models today, you will inevitably run into the phrase: “Hurt people hurt people”. I probably also have written about this phrase here on the website before because there is a lot of beautiful truth in it.
It teaches us to look past a person’s sharp edges and see the pain underneath. It helps us understand the Why behind destructive behavior instead of just writing someone off as inherently bad. In a lot of ways, it’s a helpful tool for building deep empathy and meaningful Connections.
But today, I want to revisit this phrase through a slightly different lens. Let’s look at it through current coaching trends and my own philosophy of Human Being Human. When we do that, a vital question comes up:
Does understanding the Why mean we have to tolerate the What indefinitely?
When we look at life through the lens of Human Being Human, we acknowledge that we are all trying to survive, connect, and evolve on a daily basis. Part of surviving means dealing with the fractures and hurts left behind by our pasts. It is a slow, painful process. Nobody is perfect, and we all stumble.
However, many modern coaching models tend to create a forced neutrality. In an effort to be completely non-judgmental, the phrase “hurt people hurt people” can stop being an explanation and start being used as a permanent excuse. It can trap us into thinking that because someone has a painful history, they are somehow exempt from the work of bettering themselves. Or worse, that we are obligated to keep standing in the line of fire while they sort it out.
I believe we can hold two truths in our hands at the exact same time without being judgmental:
- We can have deep, genuine empathy for the pain that drives someone’s actions.
- We can firmly believe there is a right and a wrong way to live in this world, and therefore it is okay to step away, to disConnect, when behavior remains destructive.
Understanding someone’s past doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice our own well-being in the present. True empathy goes both ways; it also includes having enough empathy for yourself to say “I see your pain, and I keep you in my heart, but I must disConnect from this behavior to protect my own unique self”.
We can absolutely learn from these popular psychological phrases; they give us a starting point for compassion. But perhaps the true evolution of this concept is realizing that while the cycle of pain might explain where a behavior started, it is personal accountability that decides where it ends.
Shared Wisdom:
How do you view this phrase when you see it used in popular coaching today? Have you ever found it helpful in softening your heart toward someone, or have you experienced a time where it was used as an excuse to not take personal responsibility?
Let’s share our perspectives, take away what makes sense to us individually.
I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments below!
Warm regards,
Patty
PS: Did you already know that in September I am opening a global neighborhood to explore various topics together? More info: Global Connection
