Rules and laws… Who is truly a fan of those? Are boundaries the same, or is there a difference? Are they always beneficial to set and when is it appropriate to do so? This month, the Skilled Helpers Collaborative share their perspectives about the topic Boundaries…
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative is an initiative aiming to bring meaningful content to you. Various skilled helpers from different backgrounds sharing their perspectives regarding a specific topic. They don’t get to read each other’s contribution before publication and thus don’t influence each other to make sure, you as a reader can enjoy a variety of insights.
Boundaries
Already four articles have been published in which Skilled Helpers from around our globe share their insights around various topics. This fifth collaborative piece is about a topic many people, sometimes or often, struggle with.
In the past, I’ve been experiencing difficulties at times to stick to my own set boundaries. Often due to me not wanting to hurt or offend people. Learning to become aware of my personal values, creating a vision for the life I would like to live and connecting those to the boundaries I would like to set, and keep, made it much more easier.
The contributions below are a great reminder it is not selfish to prioritize your own mental wellbeing. Boundaries can be viewed as rules for your personal life and who better than you can set them ; -)
Read the articles below and if it resonates, let us know by leaving a comment. Feel free to share your insights too! Don’t hesitate to Connect with one of the Skilled Helpers, in case you could use guidance.
Enjoy your weekend !
Patty Wolters – Skilled Helper – www.pattywolters.com
Nurturing Healthy Boundaries: A Path to Empowerment in Personal and Professional Life
by Kally Tay
In both personal and professional realms, the cultivation and maintenance of healthy boundaries are indispensable for fostering self-respect, empowerment, and overall well-being. Without clearly defined boundaries, individuals may find themselves trapped in patterns of behaviour that perpetuate feelings of inadequacy, lead to co-dependency dynamics, and ultimately undermine their personal and professional fulfilment.
Understanding the Root Causes of Poor Boundaries
Poor boundaries often stem from underlying issues of self-worth and confidence. Individuals who struggle with asserting their boundaries may find themselves caught in a cycle of seeking validation from others, leading to a chronic pattern of self-doubt and inadequacy. In some cases, childhood experiences or past traumas may contribute to the development of weak boundaries, as individuals learn to prioritize others’ needs over their own or internalize messages of unworthiness.
Recognizing the Signs of Weak Boundaries
The signs of weak boundaries manifest in various behaviour and thought patterns that ultimately erode one’s sense of self-respect and autonomy. Some common indicators include:
– Saying yes to please others, even at the expense of personal desires and well-being.
– Feeling guilty or selfish when prioritizing self-care or asserting one’s needs.
– Failing to speak up for oneself in situations where boundaries are being crossed or personal dignity is being compromised.
– Overcommitting to obligations and responsibilities, leading to feelings of overwhelm and burnout.
– Avoiding conflict at all costs, even when it means sacrificing one’s own needs or values.
– Constantly worrying about others’ opinions and seeking external validation.
– Allowing others to encroach upon one’s time, energy, and personal space.
– Making sacrifices that undermine personal happiness and fulfilment.
– Believing that being agreeable and accommodating is the only way to earn respect and acceptance.
Boundary Violations: Identifying and Addressing Them
– Making inappropriate comments or gestures that undermine one’s dignity and sense of safety.
– Requesting or demanding unreasonable favors or accommodations without regard for one’s boundaries or limitations.
– Invading personal space or privacy without permission.
– Undermining one’s authority or expertise through dismissive or derogatory language.
– Disregarding established protocols or policies that protect one’s rights and well-being.
– Gaslighting or manipulating to undermine one’s perceptions and feelings.
– Consistently disregarding or minimizing one’s needs and preferences in favor of their own agenda.
Recognizing and addressing boundary violations is essential for maintaining personal integrity and fostering healthy relationships. This may require assertive communication, setting clear limits, and, if necessary, disengaging from toxic or harmful dynamics.
Navigating Boundaries in the Professional Sphere
In the professional sphere, boundaries play a critical role in maintaining a healthy work-life balance, preserving one’s mental and emotional well-being, and fostering productive and respectful relationships with colleagues and superiors. However, navigating boundaries in the workplace can be complex, as individuals must balance their own needs and limitations with the expectations and demands of their professional roles.
While physical and emotional boundaries are relatively straightforward to identify and assert, mental boundaries—such as the right to privacy, autonomy, and respect for one’s opinions and expertise—require careful negotiation and communication. This may involve setting clear expectations with colleagues and superiors, establishing boundaries around communication and collaboration, and advocating for one’s needs and preferences in a professional manner.
Creating a Culture of Respect and Collaboration
Creating a culture of respect and collaboration in the workplace requires a collective effort to recognize, honor, and uphold each other’s boundaries. This involves fostering open and transparent communication, respecting individual differences and preferences, and holding each other accountable for maintaining healthy and respectful relationships.
By promoting a culture of respect and collaboration, organizations can create environments where individuals feel empowered to assert their boundaries, advocate for their needs, and contribute to their fullest potential. This not only enhances employee satisfaction and well-being but also fosters a more productive, innovative, and inclusive work environment.
In conclusion, nurturing healthy boundaries is essential for fostering self-respect, empowerment, and overall well-being in both personal and professional life. By recognizing the root causes of poor boundaries, identifying and addressing boundary violations, and navigating boundaries in a professional context, individuals can create environments that support their personal and professional growth, leading to happier, more fulfilling lives.
Connect with Kally Tay, Freelance Expert @ www.middleme.net
Rules and Boundaries
by Bernard Kates
When we think about rules and boundaries, we often think of things that constrain us in some way. Perhaps that’s true, but we need rules because the alternative is chaos and anarchy where everyone can do anything they want without concern for anyone else. There are those in the world for whom that might be an attractive proposition – a former president of the USA comes to mind. Humans, however, are a social species. We’ve evolved to live together in communities in which we rely on each other. If we want our society to work harmoniously then some rules that apply to all, and are accepted by all, must be put in place.
We call these rules “laws.” We expect everyone to abide by them and we punish anyone who breaks them. The rules help to establish order, promote fairness, ensure safety and maintain harmony in relationships and in society generally.
Of course this means we’ve given up some of our personal freedom and choice of action, but most of us don’t resent the restrictions because we appreciate the benefits to everyone of abiding by the law. We don’t follow the rules simply because we’re afraid of being punished if we break them – we follow them because we choose to.
It’s the same in every community that we’re members of. Here too there are rules for us to follow because they establish order and tell us what is, and what is not, acceptable behaviour in this community. We choose to abide by the rules as long as we want to remain members of the community.
The existentialists among us may argue that blindly following societal rules can lead to inauthentic living. An existentialist would say that we should critically examine and choose our own values and actions, even if it means breaking societal norms or boundaries. They would emphasise personal agency and the importance of subjective experience in determining one’s path in life. But that doesn’t mean abiding by the laws and rules of society causes us to live inauthentically, as long as we’ve freely chosen to do so.
Each of us has a personal code of ethics by which we decide what’s right and what’s wrong for us. Our ethics come directly from our personal values, which are the manifestation of our true selves. Our values govern the choices we make and the actions we take throughout our lives. It’s our values that create our own personal rules for the way we behave in our daily life and in our interactions with other people.
Likewise, our personal boundaries come directly from our values. We all know how it feels when someone around us crosses our boundaries; it feels wrong, instinctively and automatically. We push back, we feel irritated or angry with that person, and if they often disrespect our boundaries then we may avoid them and take steps to end our relationship with them.
The concept of rules and boundaries is explored in the philosophy of ethics, which is fascinating and full of different approaches. There are those who propose that ethics is a matter of personal choice and that we should all be free to live life on our own terms, unconstrained by rules and regulations. There are those who say that our behaviour should be governed by the principle of the greatest good for the greatest number, or who believe that we should “do as you would be done by.” There are those who believe that human nature is fundamentally selfish and that the only way to achieve a peaceful and harmonious society is through a system of strict laws with severe punishment for those who transgress them. And there are those who insist that you can’t impose the same set of rules on everyone, everywhere, because there are many cultural differences between social groups around the world and they don’t all share exactly the same concepts of what’s good and bad, right and wrong, acceptable and unacceptable.
In the end, it’s up to each of us to make our own decision about how we’re going to behave. I believe that when we engage in some deep introspection and discover the truth of who we are in our heart, we find there a depth of compassion and empathy for other people. When we live authentically, in full alignment with our true self, we gladly abide by the rules of society without feeling that our personal freedom has been compromised. When we live authentically we respect other people’s personal boundaries and we expect them to respect ours, recognising that doing so isn’t constraining anyone’s freedom. It’s a way of showing respect for each other and for the communities and the society of which we are all a part.
That assumes that the rules apply equally to all and are based on principles of justice and fairness. If that’s not the case – perhaps the rules have been imposed by a tyrannical dictator and favour an elite group while oppressing everyone else – then, out of respect for each other and a desire to live an authentic life, it would be our duty to challenge those rules.
Just, fair and equitable laws, rules and boundaries are different aspects of the same ethical principles and we can’t live without them if we wish to live in a peaceful, harmonious and mutually beneficial society.
Connect with Bernard Kates, Transformational Leadership Coach and Mentor @ www.bernardkates.com
Boundaries – The Definition of Me
by Sukeshi Pandit Malhotra
‘Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I begin and someone else ends, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own & take responsibility for, gives me freedom’ – Henry Cloud (leadership coach & clinical psychologist).
Did you end up saying ‘Yes’ again, when you were internally screaming a ‘No’? Can you sense resentment rising within, because of accepting that offer? Are you internally berating yourself for not being assertive in a situation & feeling trapped now? Chances are you have allowed someone to breach your boundaries once again, in a pattern that repeats over and over.
Boundaries are the threshold of our comfort level…the space within which we feel secure to express our identity, while navigating life & relationships. The more porous & ill-defined our personal boundaries, the lesser in control of our lives we feel. Identifying, establishing & maintaining personal boundaries is a fairly complex & nebulous process, requiring deep self-awareness & understating of our values, fears & motivations. And most of all a willingness to go against the flow, to be ok with not being amiable & likable all the times.
Boundaries are critical to safeguard our physical well-being, emotional & mental health, material & financial security & for better time management.
The Foundation of Personal Boundaries
Early relationship with parents, family & caregivers sets the tone for how we view personal boundaries. The concept of boundaries is intertwined with our sense of self-image & self-worth, which in turn, is partly a function of how nurturing, caring, secure & healthy our childhood environment was. Did we have to strive for love & attention, turning us into people pleasers too afraid to express our emotions/opinions? Did we see people around us respecting their own & each-other’s boundaries?
A combination of life experiences, belief systems & mental conditioning arising out of survival instincts are instrumental in how comfortable we feel in implementing boundaries. Some common fears/insecurities that come into play while setting boundaries:
Perfectionist’s Burden of Expectations
Getting caught in the vicious cycle of other’s expectations; misplaced desire for being an epitome for perfection for others, striving to be the illusory perfect self
‘No’ means ‘Unkind’ & ‘Yes’ means ‘Good/Kind’
The belief that saying ‘No’ makes me a hateful person; that I should always be open & willing to put myself out there for others; Setting boundaries makes me a mean person.
Being a ‘People Pleaser’
Losing sight of own needs in a desperate desire to gain affection & acceptance; deep fear of rejection; consistently negating our needs to be popular & likable
Discomfort Intolerance
Unable to take the discomfort/distress arising out of being assertive around people; difficulty dealing with disagreements; going along to avoid conflicts; unable to hold the tension of dissent.
Guilt around Loved ones – Often comes into play with parents, children & spouse, where we feel undeserving of their love & overcompensate out of guilt; sacrificing our own needs because we feel we owe it to them
Irrespective of the underlying reasons, unable to assert our boundaries, over time, we start feeling resentful, stuck, overwhelmed, inauthentic & frustrated which is detrimental to our emotional & physical wellbeing & damaging to our relationships.
Why Healthy Boundaries are Imperative
- Knowing & respecting our limits enhances our sense of self-worth & self-acceptance; helps us deal with the inner critic’s ‘I am not good enough’ & be comfortable in who we are.
- Having clear boundaries can prevent misunderstandings & conflicts by fostering healthier relationships with realistic expectation; prevent resentment & passive aggressive behavior resulting from unmet needs & conflicting signals.
- Allows for better self-care & time management, eases up the stress levels from feeling stretched to capacity; improves productivity & creates a balanced sense of Self.
- Understanding our boundaries equips us with more flexibility to push our limits from within, when & if we feel ready & prepared to expand & evolve.
How to Implement Better Boundaries
Boundaries are not about forcing anyone else to change, but for them to accept & respect our life choices & our perspectives. Certain things to keep in mind while establishing boundaries:
Self-Awareness & Clarity
‘To know thyself is the beginning of all wisdom’…Aristotle
Understand your core values, what really matters to you, what are you willing to compromise on & what is non-negotiable. Be watchful of your triggers & things that cause dissonance. Cultivate a robust sense of self-worth & believe that You Deserve those boundaries & you owe it to yourself.
Assertiveness & Clear Communication
Learn to say NO. Accept that it’s ok to disappoint & upset others. Forgo your desire to be universally liked & approved of. Assertiveness does not entail aggression. Firm & calm does it. Clearly articulate what you need & why. Be specific. Don’t succumb to other’s expectations of you.
Consistency
Sometimes we are unclear about our reasons/motives behind setting a boundary, which can lead to inconsistent behavior, making implementation ineffective. Be consistent. Follow through if you have set any consequences to breach of your boundaries. Reinforce with consistency so others learn to respect your limits at all times.
Self-Care/Compassion
Establish a self-care routine. Listen to your body & accept when you need a break. Practice self-compassion so you recognize the need to prioritize your own mental health & peace. Love yourself enough to not let people walk over you. A more peaceful & calm you will be able to give the best of yourself to your loved ones, instead of a burned out you.
Choose your Battles
Sometimes setting boundaries does not necessarily work with certain people in our life. Recognize when it’s a waste of your time & energy. Walk away from unnecessary entanglements and toxicity. Every battle is not worth losing losing your peace & calm over.
Mutual Respect for & Acceptance of Other’s boundaries
Above all mutual respect for each other’s needs & limitations is essential to foster healthy relationships. Never lose sight of the fact that you owe it to the other, that which you expect of them. Be realistic in your own expectations. Cultivate empathy & maintain open communication at all times.
Setting boundaries is not an option, but a necessity for living an authentic life. It’s not an easy task, since we often operate in survival mode & are quite unaware of what we really want, let alone expressing our needs to others. When we allow ourselves to be centered in our Being, we recognize our limits. The limits are for us to stretch and not for others to breach. The one’s who really care will understand & the ones who don’t, do not matter.
In Jodi Picoult’s words…‘Setting boundaries is not a sign of selfishness but an act of self-respect’.
Connect with Sukeshi Pandit Malhotra, Personal Mastery & Transformation Coach, via sukeshipm @ gmail.com
Bloom Within Boundaries
by Claire Rajan
Boundaries are a relational concept related to self-preservation, individuality, and trust, among other things.
The quality of human relationships is bound to improve if we understand boundaries and their impact on relationships.
Our ability to notice and safeguard healthy boundaries by respecting personal and interpersonal space is vital for psychological safety personally and collectively.
If we do not consider this topic seriously, we will likely have to deal with conflict, discord, and tensions. These tensions can leave us vulnerable and disappointed in how others treat and behave toward us.
Personal Interest and Psychological Safety
We are unique individuals who live within a collective, with a unique psychological makeup held in place by a need for safety, security and self-preservation.
Boundaries connect with our survival instinct at the most essential level. When we feel threatened, most individuals naturally and spontaneously build resistance and barriers to protect themselves against a perceived threat or perpetrator.
Threats and Perpetrators
Most of us do not like seeing or perceiving ourselves as threatening or perpetrators.
Yet, we all experience stress within relationships when safety lines are indiscriminately crossed.
It’s easier to perceive it externally, as others crossing our boundaries, leaving us feeling threatened and vulnerable.
However, in real life, it also goes the other way, i.e., our actions might leave others feeling threatened and vulnerable.
Each of us has a threshold that determines how much of another individual we can “tolerate” beyond which their presence becomes intrusive or overwhelming.
We often maintain this threshold unconsciously, depending on our type, personality, and family dynamics (which usually develop in childhood from our family of origin), among other factors.
When an individual’s need for self-preservation or privacy is high, and others around do not recognize or value it, they are likely to put up walls to safeguard personal interest. What serves to be a trigger point for personal violation is highly individualized.
Blurred Boundaries
Sometimes, individuals might be very comfortable within “blurred boundaries.”
A person may maintain blurred personal, familial, cultural, and social boundaries. Within organizational structures where boundaries are blurred, a person’s life and business are everyone’s business. Shared goals and interests are the priority. There is a lack of adequate respect for privacy, personal space, and interests.
If someone living in such an environment needs to speak up for themselves or show independent judgment, it might be frowned upon and disregarded.
Reactions Related to Boundary Violation
When we experience a boundary violation, we naturally lean into specific patterns for reacting/responding. Some are not productive, and others are better.
The following are five different patterns that we might use.
From my experience, the last one is the most challenging to adopt. Still, it offers the highest return in maintaining a sense of internal psychological safety and simultaneously preserving one’s interests and those of others impartially and reasonably.
- The Aggressive reaction: This type of reaction involves expressing annoyance and irritation and a strong push-back against the perpetrator. It leads to disconnection, wall-building, and angry retaliation.
- The Fear-based reaction: When filled with fear, a person might choose avoidance or withdrawal. It leads to disconnection, wall-building, and fearful retaliation.
- The Counter-Phobic reaction: This is a fear-driven angry reaction. It is often characterized by violent outbursts arising from fear. Sometimes, it could be a covert passive-aggressive reaction to the violation experienced. It leads to disconnection, wall-building, and fear-anger-based retaliation.
- The Assertive response—When we use assertiveness, we can go beyond reactivity into composure. In the event of violations, a person can say “no” to the threat or perpetrator from a calm place. This may or may not maintain connection yet fosters internal safety.
- The Agile response—We can shift your stance to generate room for our psychological safety while speaking up for ourselves. We clearly express how we want to be treated and allow others to do the same. This response requires a lot of self- and relational awareness, patience, and respect for oneself within relationships. It is important to note that agile does not mean “loose” boundaries. Integrity plays an essential role in an agile response. This response maintains connection and fosters internal safety and outer acceptance.
Awareness of Boundaries
At this point, I want to present a series of questions to help you develop awareness around this concept. Use them as a starting point in your exploration of yourself.
- Do I value boundaries?
- Am I in favor of clear boundaries?
- Do I possess personal boundaries?
- What types of defensive behaviors come forward naturally when I perceive a violation of my safe zone?
- Are there specific individuals with whom I have issues because they do not respect me or my interests in individual expression?
- Do I possess certain boundary-crossing behaviors that might interfere with others’ need for individual expression?
- Do I have walls surrounding me that I have created and maintained to safeguard myself from specific individuals?
- Are my boundaries rigid, tight, or flexible?
- What is my default pattern when I feel threatened or violated?
- What healthy practices have I adopted to establish a clear sense of self and others, practices that foster safety and trust?
In conclusion, boundary-setting is an art and skill requiring conscious effort.
To improve the quality of life and our relationships, we must take the time to understand how boundaries play into our everyday lives. We must consider the strategies we have in place to protect ourselves. This is the sure way to build mutual trust and respect.
Clear, agile, healthy boundaries sustain our individuality and development, allowing us to bloom and be true to ourselves.
Connect with Claire Rajan, Life Coach & Enneagram Coach via wisdomrocks22 @ gmail.com
