December, the last month of the year and at times referred to as the month of magic. Winter arrives in the Northern hemisphere, many stories are going to be shared during various festivities. The Skilled Helpers share their insights, in this last article, on the topic Forbearance…
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative is an initiative aiming to bring meaningful content to you. Various skilled helpers from different backgrounds sharing their perspectives regarding a specific topic. They don’t get to read each other’s contribution before publication and thus don’t influence each other to make sure, you as a reader can enjoy a variety of insights.
Already the last article from the SHC 2024 project. The cliche is again so true, time flies. Reflecting upon this year, lots has happened again around our world. For the good and the bad; depending on your perspectives.
As always, the Skilled Helpers of this collaborative share their perspectives with the intent to have you consider another point of view. Insights, tips and tools for you to implement what fits your uniqueness. Regardless what you believe, I think we can agree tolerance is no longer a given.
In the spirit of this month; Claire, Bernard and myself wrote about forbearance, which is a synonym for tolerance.
Read the articles below and if it resonates, let us know by leaving a comment. Feel free to share your insights too! Don’t hesitate to Connect with one of the Skilled Helpers, in case you could use guidance.
On behalf of the Skilled Helpers Collaborative rests me to wish you, dear reader, a peaceful step into the new year and of course all the best in all areas of life for 2025.
Warm regards,
Patty Wolters
As facilitator of this project, I want to express my gratitude to my peers for contributing their time and insights, supporting me to bring meaningful content into our virtual world.
Forbearance: The Strength in Holding Steady
by Bernard Kates
Forbearance. It’s an old word, the kind you don’t hear often these days. You might even think it belongs to another era or that it doesn’t really apply to everyday life. Yet, forbearance is as relevant now as ever, and it’s a quality worth developing.
When we’re under pressure, especially in a high-stakes moment, the instinct is to act fast. We worry that if we don’t move immediately, we’ll come across as weak or indecisive. But forbearance tells a different story. It’s the power of holding back, the wisdom in pausing to think before you act. It’s choosing rationality over impulse.
What does this look like in real life? Imagine you’re leading a project, and a major issue surfaces. If you don’t address it right away, the timeline could slip, and costs might spiral. The natural reaction? Start barking orders before fully understanding what’s happening. Forbearance, however, suggests another approach: take a moment, breathe, assess the facts and think through the short- and long-term consequences. This isn’t inaction. It’s responding with logic instead of reacting on adrenaline. Isn’t it more effective to spend 30 minutes gathering information and consulting your team than rushing into a half-baked solution?
Or take a personal example. You’re having a conversation with a loved one, and they say something that stings. Do you snap back, assuming they’re out to hurt you? Or do you pause, give yourself a moment, and consider that there might be more to their words than meets the ear?
Forbearance is the choice to bear discomfort or stress without flying off the handle. It blends patience, tolerance and the awareness that a hasty reaction could worsen the situation. The best leaders and mentors embody forbearance. They don’t just manage crises; they navigate them with a calm that reassures everyone around them. They know that today’s restraint can create tomorrow’s opportunity.
Let’s not pretend this is easy. Practising forbearance can feel unnatural, especially in a world that rewards speed and immediate responses. That urge to jump in can be relentless. Yet, the true test of character is in those moments when holding back says more than acting ever could.
Forbearance isn’t about doing nothing. It’s not avoidance or indecision. It’s about choosing your response with care, timing your actions wisely and recognising when stepping back gives space for clarity and better results.
Want to work on forbearance? Start small. Next time you’re ready to react on impulse, pause. Ask yourself, “What do I achieve by acting now? Can I afford a moment to assess and think this through?” Step back and think: is a knee-jerk reaction really helpful, or is it just serving your pride?
The strength of forbearance lies not just in restraint but in maintaining composure and staying clear-headed when tensions rise. It builds trust and shows others that you’re not just reactive; you’re thoughtful, balanced and fair.
So, reflect: When was the last time you picked patience over a quick reaction? What happened as a result?
Forbearance isn’t just a virtue; it’s a skill that can transform your leadership and relationships. In a world racing to respond, there’s unmatched power in the pause.
Connect with Bernard Kates, Transformational Leadership Coach and Mentor @ www.bernardkates.com
The Mother-of-Pearl Formed by Forbearance
by Claire Rajan
Forbearance is referred to in theological terms as a “Fruit of the Spirit.”
I have had to investigate, contemplate, and consider forbearance within the scope of my existence and life obligations.
From what I have come to understand, forbearance is what stands to counter and correct its opposing quality, which is frustration.
Many situations along our life journey can lead us to experience frustration. It typically happens when things don’t go our way or as we plan. Frustrations are like bursts of anger about something that irritates, angers, and annoys us. Some form of venting typically handles frustrations. So very often, instead of coming to patience and serenity, we make our annoyance and irritation known.
Forbearance is a beautiful blend of three virtues: Temperance, Patience and Equanimity.
The better option in comparison to frustration is to find a way to apply temperance, patience and equanimity whenever we encounter a frustrating situation.
An Oyster transforms the pain caused by an irritant (generally in the form of a grain of sand) into a mother-of-pearl. To gain relief, it soothes its discomfort by secreting nacre. If I had to attribute a quality to this action, it would be forbearance. The formation of a mother-of-pearl inside an oyster is a lovely example of what forbearance can create.
Forbearing can help us gain in many frustrating situations. In those situations, we are given the opportunity to consider and embody the virtues of temperance, patience, and equanimity. These three virtues, like pearls of great value, help us move through life and navigate other frustrating situations that might come our way.
We can learn from the oyster how to maintain ourselves in a rough situation and transform it into an opportunity for transformation, which, if done correctly, usually results in gain (for self and others).
The following verses offer an insight into how sometimes forbearing pain that typically generates frustrations can result in a gain.
The Oyster
In the depth of the ocean
An oyster lives
Forbearance her hallmark
In generosity, she gives
An irritant lodged
A grain of sand
A frustrating form
Persistent, unplanned
A great discomfort
The oyster she feels
Forbearance bearing
She, nacre secretes
Self-defense expression
Nacre embalms
Layering forbearance
The sand transforms
The oyster teaches
A lesson on pain
Forbearance offers
Beautiful pearls of gain
How can we transform those moments of frustration into pearls of forbearance?
…Something worth considering.
Connect with Claire Rajan, Life Coach & Enneagram Coach via wisdomrocks22 @ gmail.com
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I would like to thank Patty Wolters for her kind generosity in giving me the opportunity to be a part of the Skilled Helpers Collaborative for a second time. I have thoroughly enjoyed sharing my experiences and ideas.
A thank you to all the other writers and collaborators who made it is possible and shared their stories and views through this initiative. It has been personally beneficial as it has for all those who have read, learned and grown through this work.
Tolerant...together.
by Patty Wolters
Storytelling is part of human beings DNA. Daily experiences, world events and ancient wisdom are passed on for centuries via mouth-to-mouth stories and songs. Today, we, generally, no longer use coal and stone to write down our insights, opinions, learned lessons, scientific knowledge, traditions, etc. The digital world is for many of us the way to share whatever we feel like to do so.
Being a blogger for many, many years, I always embraced our virtual world the same way as our offline world. Connected to avatars are usually real people, as also behind the nicknames used. While for online games I have often opted for a nickname, on my blog I started to use my real name a long time ago.
In both online and offline worlds, I act the same way, never forgetting I Connect to my neighbors on this big ball we all live upon. Never forgetting, one of humans’ strengths is our differences. Our ability to collaborate, to connect those varieties, has helped us to evolve into what we are today as a species.
It’s why I started the Skilled Helpers Collaborative; not only to share meaningful content. Also, because it is brought to you by different human beings. Skilled helpers from different upbringing, cultures, genders, beliefs and age. People with the same differences, and challenges, you will encounter in your neighborhood, in stores, at a birthday party or work, in school or in an online workshop.
As a Skilled Helper, one of the first things you (should) learn is to provide space and put your own opinions on a shelf. In addition, to listen with an open mind, with genuine curiosity for the person sitting across. And thus, to be tolerant towards the different choice of lifestyle, hairstyle, fashion, skin color, beliefs, opinions, etc.
Yes, we all judge, even Skilled Helpers do. However, as a professional we’ve also learned to bite our tongues, take a deep breath and accept our clients as the vulnerable human beings we ourselves are too.
That doesn’t mean we have to tolerate all and everything. It is ok to set boundaries for the sake of your wellbeing, or that of others.
When diving deep into all the various stories told throughout the centuries there seems to be a commonality. We always have fought against injustice and inequality. We always have longed for a harmonious and peaceful world to live upon. Tolerant, together.
It’s why I chose the word forbearance for this last collaborative article, in the hope it will remind us: This ancient word is today as important as it was for our ancestors.
Connect with Patty Wolters, Skilled Helper @ www.pattywolters.com
2 Responses
Lieve Patty, je begon met ‘de tijd vliegt’. Doet me denken aan de uitspraak van Einstein, dat de tijd bestaat alleen maar omdat anders alles tegelijk zou gebeuren. Als ik die een aantal keren herhaal, biedt het me vertraging, als of de tijd even stil staat. Een ogenblik om bij te lezen en de prachtige teksten van jullie tot me te nemen, dank jullie wel. Het lijkt me een mooie start van het nieuwe jaar, te grossieren in verdraagzaamheid. En, als we dat met en voor elkaar blijven doen, zorgen voor lichtpuntje in het leven van anderen, is het wat betreft nu al een geslaagd jaar.
En deze wil ik graag met je delen, hij kwam op mijn pad en ik vind hem te mooi om voor mezelf te houden 🙂
Heb het goed en veel liefs van hier ♥
Tussen Kerst en Oud & Nieuw
Tussen het vallen van licht en het rijzen van tijd,
zweeft een stille adem, een pauze vol belofte.
Het oude jaar, een fluistering, vervliegt,
terwijl het nieuwe zich hult in sluier van mysterie.
Hoop ontkiemt in de winterkou,
zoals sneeuwklokjes dromen van de lente.
Een dans begint, teder en traag,
tussen wat was en wat worden zal.
Liefde weeft haar onzichtbare draad,
langs scheuren in het hart,
langs dromen die nog wachten,
langs de stilte die verbinding ademt.
Beweging roept, als een zachte storm,
en nodigt ons uit om te breken en te bouwen,
om los te laten wat zwaar is,
en te omarmen wat licht maakt.
De wereld danst in het ritme van hoop,
onder de sterren, in het eeuwige spel.
Wij, reizigers van het moment,
vinden onszelf in het midden van alles.
Dus dans met mij,
tussen gisteren en morgen,
waar nu de enige waarheid is.
Laat onze stappen sporen achterlaten
van liefde, van licht, van leven.
Bron: Dansklooster
Dank je wel, lieve Helena. Fijn nog zo even voor het einde van dit jaar een mooi bericht van je te mogen lezen. Een dikke knuffel op weg naar jullie, XxX