Over here, in The Netherlands, Spring has arrived. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to trust, eventually the turn of seasons will come?! Especially nowadays, when it seems harder to put your trust into someone or something. The Skilled Helpers Collaborative shares this month their perspectives about the topic trust…
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative is an initiative aiming to bring meaningful content to you. Various skilled helpers from different backgrounds sharing their perspectives regarding a specific topic. They don’t get to read each other’s contribution before publication and thus don’t influence each other to make sure, you as a reader can enjoy a variety of insights.
Trust
Despite the increasing polarization around our world and personal experiences throughout my life, I never stopped trusting the capability our species possess to do good. Recently, however, I questioned my own trustworthiness every now and then too. Trust is sacred to me; unfortunately, sometimes, it is out of our control to be able to be reliable.
That could be due to a sudden unexpected change, or because someone is not communicating honestly. What also makes it hard to put your trust in something or someone; if you want to find trustworthy information, you will have to go through a lot of contradicting data these days.
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative brings you meaningful content from different points of view. It is for you to decide, what resonates (or not), to trust your own values and logic. We hope you enjoy the articles below about the topic Bernard chose for this month’s collaboration.
Read the articles below and if it resonates, let us know by leaving a comment.
Don’t hesitate to Connect with one of the Skilled Helpers, in case you could use guidance.
Enjoy your weekend !
Patty Wolters – Skilled Helper – www.pattywolters.com
Trust, March 2024
by Bernard Kates
Have you ever trusted someone who later betrayed you? What a mixture of feelings that brings up! It includes foolishness (“I’m such an idiot for trusting her!”) pain (“this hurts!”) regret (“I wish this hadn’t happened”) self-doubt (“there must be something wrong with me”) and victimhood (“typical, this always happens to me, everyone’s out to use me”) and so on. If you want to confront all your deepest, darkest beliefs about yourself, you can’t beat a serious betrayal of your trust to bring it on.
Trust is about putting your faith in another person – faith that they will behave in the way they say they will, and that they will not set out to deliberately deceive, mislead, use or abuse you. But the most fundamental element of trust is trust in yourself, which means that you know yourself well enough to be confident that you will always behave with integrity and you will not lie, deceive, mislead or treat another person in a way that you wouldn’t want to be treated yourself. Self-trust comes directly from your personal, core values.
Very few people in the world today could tell you what their personal, core values are. But if they don’t know their values, does that mean you can’t trust them? Is the world really full of untrustworthy people?
Our values are a fundamental part of who we are, as intrinsic to us as the shape of our nose or the colour of our eyes. We all have values, even if we don’t know what they are. They are always active and will influence the way we behave, and the choices we make, in every situation. Our values are behind the feeling that something isn’t right, or that steer us towards making a particular decision. They are the voice of our conscience. They are the reason you know it’s wrong to lie, to deceive, to mislead or to mistreat someone, or to stand by and do nothing while someone else does these things. The “wrongness” comes from the dissonance between your values and your behaviour, or the behaviour that you observe in others around you.
If you’re not consciously aware of your values they – the voice of your conscience – can get lost in the noise and busyness of life. If we’re not paying attention it’s easy to be carried along on a tide of emotional reactions that lead us to behave in ways that conflict with our values. Deep down we’re aware of the “wrongness” but we ignore it and go with the flow. Looking back later we might feel regret and wish we’d behaved differently.
With self-awareness and deep self-knowledge comes self-trust; you know who you are, you know what’s important to you, and you’ll always behave in alignment with that. You have integrity. You are authentic, true to yourself in every situation.
When you meet someone new, how do you know whether you can trust them? How do you know they’re not lying to you or trying to deceive or mislead you?
Most of us probably place a limited degree of trust in the people we meet. We trust them a bit but not too much, so that if they turn out not to be trustworthy we won’t pay too high a price. Then, as we get to know them better, we assess how trustworthy they are and gradually extend them deeper levels of trust, or not as the case may be. We observe their behaviour, looking for signs of integrity.
It’s easier to recognise integrity in others when we ourselves have it, so if we don’t want to live in a paranoid world, surrounded by menacing strangers whose motives are suspicious, we must learn about ourselves first.
Which brings me back to where I started, with a betrayal in which trust is shattered when someone abuses our trust in them. What do you do if this happens to you?
First, this is a painful reminder to be careful about who you trust. If they don’t have enough self-knowledge to behave with integrity, beware!
Then, remember who you are. You don’t need anyone else to tell you this. You are who you are, and you show it to the world in the way you behave. Your integrity, your authenticity, says it all. Your relationships are part of what you do, not part of who you are, so if a relationship ends, perhaps because of a betrayal of your trust, you don’t lose any part of yourself as a result.
In my life I have experienced betrayals of my trust, and I can say that my first reaction was anger. How dare they treat me like that! Then I proceeded to judge the hell out of those who had betrayed me, calling them all sorts of derogatory names and blaming them for everything (often including things that were nothing to do with what actually happened.) That’s the raw, emotional reaction coming through, and if you’re awake and aware of yourself and your emotions – which is to say that if you’re emotionally intelligent – you can let this stage run its course without reacting to it. Feel your anger but don’t let it control you. Judge your betrayer as harshly as you want and mentally demolish their character, with a few choice curses thrown in for good measure. Then, let all that negative emotion go. Hanging on to it won’t help you, it will only lead to resentment, which is probably the most corrosive emotion you could have. Let it go.
However painful this betrayal may have been, you’re still you and you can choose whether you’re going to react emotionally to what has happened or whether you’re going to respond to it rationally. You can let your emotions take control so that you rant and rave and “carry on like a pork chop” as we say in Australia, which might feel good in the moment but won’t help you to feel better in the longer term or to deal with the practical consequences of what has happened. Take it from me, you’ll always get a better outcome if you cool down, let go of your negative emotions and act only when your ability to be rational has reasserted itself.
Finally, learn from what has happened. I won’t say forgive and forget because that merely invites the perpetrator to do it again. Forgive, yes, because forgiveness is not about the perpetrator, it’s about you and how you let go of your anger, pain and resentment at what they did to you so that you don’t have to carry it around with you for ever after. But forget, never. Remember how you got into the situation, remember the warning signs that you missed or deliberately chose to ignore, and use what you learn to help you to avoid making the same mistakes again.
Never allow the selfish, thoughtless or malevolent actions of one person drive you to mistrust everyone. Learn about yourself, trust yourself, make it your habit to put a little trust in people you meet, and be open to deepening that trust as you get to know them better. We all want and need trusting relationships in our lives – that’s part of what it means to be human – so, consciously, mindfully, empathetically and respectfully allow people you meet to see the authentic you and invite them to show themselves in the same way. When you show that you are prepared to offer your trust, acquaintances often become friends and friendships become the kind of lifelong, mutually supportive relationships that we all crave.
When there is trust, there can be no us and them. There can be only us – trusting, connected, caring for each other. I think it’s safe to say that the world needs more of that.
Who do you trust?
Connect with Bernard Kates, Transformational Leadership Coach and Mentor @ www.bernardkates.com
Nurturing Trust in Freelance Partnerships: Unveiling the Intricacies of Remote Collaboration
By Kally Tay
In the dynamic tapestry of remote work, where the threads of client and freelancer weave together across digital landscapes, trust emerges as the linchpin that holds the fabric of professional relationships intact. Beyond the confines of traditional offices, trust becomes not just a desirable attribute but an imperative foundation upon which successful collaborations are built. The challenge lies in the ethereal nature of trust when working remotely, where micromanagement is a luxury few can afford. The freelancer like myself must navigate the nebulous realm of client expectations and deadlines with a reliance on faith – faith that the assignment will not only be completed but exceed expectations. The question then becomes: How can trust be nurtured and, equally importantly, how can it be safeguarded against irreparable compromise?
In the symphony of digital collaboration, trust is the conductor, orchestrating seamless interactions and harmonizing the efforts of disparate individuals. It is the invisible bridge that spans the virtual gap between client and freelancer, fostering an environment where creativity can flourish, and projects can thrive. As we delve into the art and science of trust-building in freelance partnerships, let us explore the nuances that elevate a professional relationship from mere transaction to a symphony of collaboration, echoing the ethos of mutual respect and reliability.
1. Always Go Above and a Little Bit Beyond
One key to fostering trust in freelance relationships is consistently exceeding expectations. According to a recent survey by Upwork, 78% of clients value freelancers who go the extra mile in their work, and this positively influences their perception of reliability and professionalism1. Completing tasks to the best of your ability is essential, but going the extra mile demonstrates dedication and reliability.
2. Aim to Surprise & Delight
Surprising and delighting your clients can be a game-changer. Unforeseen, positive elements in your work can leave a lasting impression and enhance the trust between you and your clients. According to a study by Freelancer’s Union, 85% of clients appreciate unexpected added value in the form of creative solutions or exceeding project milestones2. The element of pleasant surprise goes a long way in establishing a solid foundation of trust.
3. Give Yourself Ample Room to Maneuver
Freelancers often face unforeseen challenges and obstacles. According to a report by Statista, 62% of freelancers state that having flexibility in project timelines contributes significantly to their ability to handle unexpected situations3. By providing yourself with a buffer in terms of time and resources, you can navigate unexpected situations without compromising the quality of your work.
4. Speak Openly and Honestly
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful freelance relationship. Being open and honest about your progress, challenges, and expectations fosters transparency. Clients value freelancers who keep them informed, allowing them to feel secure in the knowledge that the project is on track. According to a survey conducted by Forbes, 92% of clients prioritize clear and honest communication as the most crucial factor in building trust with freelancers.
5. Don’t Boast
While showcasing your skills and achievements is important, excessive self-promotion can be counterproductive. Clients appreciate humility and a focus on delivering results rather than grandiose claims. According to a report by CNBC, 80% of clients prefer freelancers who demonstrate their expertise through their work rather than self-promotion5. Let your work speak for itself, and your clients will be more likely to trust your abilities and professionalism.
6. Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew
Overcommitting to projects can lead to compromised quality and missed deadlines, jeopardizing the trust you’ve built with your clients. It’s crucial to assess your capacity realistically and only take on projects that you can handle effectively. Delivering consistently high-quality work within agreed-upon timelines is key to sustaining trust in the long run.
7. Don’t Be Stingy with Your Time
Responsive and timely communication is a vital aspect of trust-building. Promptly addressing client inquiries, providing updates, and being available when needed all contribute to a positive client experience. According to a survey by Glassdoor, 88% of clients rate responsiveness as a critical factor in their trust in freelancers6. Clients are more likely to trust freelancers who prioritize effective communication and demonstrate a commitment to their projects.
8. Don’t Spring Any Nasty Surprises
Unexpected setbacks can happen, but being proactive in addressing issues and informing clients in advance helps mitigate the impact. If unforeseen challenges arise, communicate openly, propose solutions, and work collaboratively to find resolutions. Proactive problem-solving fosters trust and demonstrates your commitment to the success of the project.
In conclusion, trust between clients and freelancers is a delicate but essential aspect of successful collaborations. By consistently delivering high-quality work, communicating transparently, and avoiding common pitfalls, freelancers can build and maintain trust, ensuring long-lasting and fruitful professional relationships.
Connect with Kally Tay, Freelance Expert @ www.middleme.net
Footnotes
Upwork. “Future Workforce Report 2022.”
Freelancer’s Union. “Freelancing in America 2022.”
Statista. “Freelancing in America 2022.”
Forbes. “How Freelancers Can Build Trust With Clients.”
CNBC. “More than 80% of freelancers prefer to be judged by their work, not how they market themselves.”
Glassdoor. “10 Tips for Building Trust With Remote Freelancers.”
Trust - A Relational Construct
by Claire Rajan
Trust is central to knowing ourselves in our genuine authenticity, potential, power, and self-worth.
As human beings, we are relational, and trust is a relational construct. We are related to everything around us and vice versa. As fundamental to relationships as they are, trust and self-trust are scarce in our modern world.
We have been subject to blind trust since our early days. We mostly learn to trustfully look outside ourselves to our caregivers, teachers, authorities, governments, and leaders.
My investment in terms of time spent understanding relationships has led me to focus on trust within myself.
One might ask, “What is the problem in focusing on and trusting “others”? Wouldn’t it be selfish to redirect that focus on oneself?
While the line of questioning is worth considering, it is worth noting a significant trade-off that becomes clear within solely outward-directed trust.
If you look outside yourself, you will likely find trust there, but only within limits..
When we solely trust others, the ever-increasing danger of “projection” leads to inner scarcity.
Projection is a phenomenon that occurs when we put power, potential and inherent worth on something or someone in the external environment.
One might think, who does that?
Many of the problems we face as a human species stem from this relational problem. Projection on others outside of oneself is a widespread phenomenon.
We are born dependent, and many of us quickly learn “learned helplessness.” As we grow older, we might realize that personal responsibility is time-consuming and challenging. Focusing on personal gratification through achievements becomes the primary focus of our attention, and the truth is habits developed in childhood take time to leave.
So often, we inadvertently pass such behaviors to our children, and the cycles of projected behavior live on.
The trade-off stemming from the “inner scarcity/projection” dynamic is everything that aligns with inner truth and worthiness.
When this dynamic is understood personally, the ability to regulate and sustain life in a self-authoring, self-sufficient, and self-propelling manner becomes available.
So often, we experience difficulties with people and relationships because they appear to fall short in many ways. This shortage can leave us disappointed and disillusioned. To not solely blame others, we must recognize our expectations of others within relationships.
For healthy relational development, we must still consider the importance of nurturing meaningful, trustworthy external relationships.
This notion of trusting oneself can be entirely foreign to many of us who have become conditioned to look outside ourselves to find our sense of self, safety, and security.
What gets facilitated consequently is a more wholesome sense of being that includes oneself and others, as well as the relationship of trust that needs to underpin all the aspects in a fair, balanced, empathic, and rapport-maintaining manner.
The questions a person might want to ask themselves are:
Why do I look outside myself?
Can’t I trust myself?
The path inward can be challenging. It brings up many dimensions of ourselves that lie within our unconscious that we have over-overlooked, forgotten, disregarded, or denied.
Navigating this path requires three primary considerations:
- Trust in one’s inner guidance
- Trust in one’s efficacy
- Trust in the Divinity of Life and Life’s process
It takes time and effort to understand these three considerations. Everyone will personally understand and acknowledge them within the scope of their own life experience. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all or my-size-fits-all path.
Becoming self-trusting is far more generative and honoring one’s unique life experience.
The more we can trust ourselves, despite what we might encounter along the path of self-discovery, the better equipped we will be to tackle our lives.
More fundamental than “Know Yourself” is the understanding of “Trust Yourself”. When we can trust ourselves, we can face any expression of “Know Yourself”.
When trust from within nourishes us, another robust process becomes engaged, namely “Invest in Yourself”.
Staying firmly planted with both feet on the ground and looking upward with the Spirit of noble thought, a gracious opportunity presents itself.
Each of us has an opportunity to support our life journey within the scope of self-trust. Within this scope, we can conscientiously confront, clarify, and comfort our inner fears and doubts (scarcity). We simultaneously become aware of our projections on others with an innate ability to engage our capacities, resourcefulness, and inner abundance.
While it might appear that using a term such as “self-trust” is a lot of generalizing, I genuinely believe this to be the most enduring way to engage with one’s own life journey more fully and with complete ownership.
The decision to trust oneself lies in the purview of everyone who genuinely wants to deepen an understanding of their innate authenticity, personal power, potentiality, and self-worth.
The following verses poetically tie many of the ideas presented in this article. Enjoy!
TO TRUST 🤝
A trust to uphold
With Life itself
To trust its process
Beyond myself
A trust that bears
Exquisite faith
Within the intimacy of life
Infused by grace
A trust to uphold
Inner guidance of mine
To engage its existence
Quite undefined
A trust that bears
My honest endeavor
For it to reveal
Its presence forever
A trust to uphold
Myself each day
To be by my side
In every way
A trust that bears
Unwavering reliance
Despite errors
Through every experience
A trust to uphold
In the world of people
Participative care
Within the social
A trust that bears
Rapport relating
Our sacred journeys
Divinity beholding
It is worthwhile to trust Life, our inner guidance and ourselves.
…………….💐…………….
Connect with Claire Rajan, Life Coach & Enneagram Coach via wisdomrocks22 @ gmail.com
Trust
By Rika Cossey
“Trust the process” they kept telling me. “Don’t force it. Let it happen” they repeated like a mantra. I was beginning to get sick of all that talk. Sure, I can trust but they never succeeded in getting me to believe that something outside my control will change my life. Okay, it wasn’t my life I wanted to change; it was just my finances that I needed to sort out. And for that to just “relax” and “trust”?! My stomach was churning and I took out my account book rather than my notepad to do some “explorative searching” rather than journaling.
The following day, I woke up with a heartache. It happens often lately and it’s becoming part of my morning routine – breakfast with ibuprofen. I didn’t care. I took the pill and got ready for work.
I don’t really like my job all that much. I’m an accountant, you see. So, I deal with numbers all day. There was a time when I found that pretty handy. There was no grey area in my work, only black and white, only right or wrong. But since joining my current employer, I’ve come to learn that there is some grey area even in accounting. And I’m beginning to feel irritated by that. That’s why I wanted to change, go back to school or something, and put my analytical mind to work in a way that might serve humanity.
The trouble was that I got these ideas almost weekly but rarely followed through with them. Last year, I joined my local sports club because I thought I wanted to be a soccer trainer. Now, I co-train the girls team. I don’t mind that but somehow I thought my life would be different by surrounding myself with people.
A few months after that, I took up clarinet lessons. I have always liked the instrument and thought I would take some time to play more often. But now, I show up for my lesson every Wednesday after work but I rarely practise in between lessons and I’m kind of losing motivation.
While that was all going on, my boss told me that my job would be reduced from next month onwards. I would need to work less and I would also earn less. I mean, working less is great but I need the money to pay for rent, food, clothes, you name it.
So, here I am, facing a pay cut I can’t afford, my time off work filled with all sorts of random activities and I can’t really make up my mind on what to do next. When I saw a post on Facebook about a course on “saving the planet”, I thought it would be just the right thing, again. I enrolled (yes, another spontaneous decision) and now I’m listening to nuns and monks about “trusting the process”. They have it easy, I keep thinking to myself: no payments to make or people to please. Trust for them is just about meditation and the right path will become clear. I want to be a good learner and really embrace it but I just can’t get myself to believe it all. I prefer my cold, hard facts.
I put my coffee down in the office kitchen to help myself to some leftover cookies that someone left on the bench. My colleague from HR came through the door with a hushed “good morning”. We don’t have much contact. I clear my throat and reply with a short “good morning” while I begin moving the cookie to my mouth.
“Missy, oh, you’re just the right person to meet,” she suddenly blurts out. I look at her, put the biscuit back in its place and hold on to my coffee instead. “You’re training a girl’s soccer team, right?” I nod, still unsure what she wants. And I also have no idea how she knew about my trainer gig. I don’t like making a big deal of it since I’m only a co-trainer. “My friends and I need to exercise more and there is this field close to my house that no one really uses. Do you think you could train a bit with us?”
I’m sure I must look very off-putting right there because she takes two steps back and raises her hands in defence. “Only if you want to though. It was just a thought. We could pay you. It was just a thought but it’s six of us and we’re not completely unfit. We just want something regular to meet up and keep us going.” I put my coffee cup down. “Ehm, I’m not a real trainer though. I just started last year. And I only train the girls at the club. They’re doing fine but not great. And sometimes they don’t listen at all.” She interrupts me. “Look, I said I would ask. It’s fine if you don’t want to. Just a thought. I need to get to Harry but let me know if you change your mind. You know where to find me.” She waves goodbye and leaves the kitchen. I look at the closed door and try to collect myself.
Did she say they would pay?!
Connect with Rika Cossey, Climate Emotions Coach @ www.rikacossey.com
4 Responses
Good post.I subscribed. Have a nice day🍀☘️⭐️💝
Good post.I subscribed. Have a good day🍀☘️⭐️💝
Thank you! Enjoy your day too : -)