We human beings are able to think about, to feel and to sense emotions. Many labels we’ve developed in an attempt to get a grasp of them. Is it even possible to comprehend emotions fully? What they are, how they affect us and to deal with? This month the Skilled Helpers share their perspectives on this broad topic…
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative
The Skilled Helpers Collaborative is an initiative aiming to bring meaningful content to you. Various skilled helpers from different backgrounds sharing their perspectives regarding a specific topic. They don’t get to read each other’s contribution before publication and thus don’t influence each other to make sure, you as a reader can enjoy a variety of insights.
Emotions
Sometimes it feels as if my life is a never ending sequence of emotions. Throughout the years I’ve learned to balance them with more ease, although, very human-like, I do still find myself feeling and/or expressing them in extremes at times. Over the years, science discovered other animals can experience emotions too, however, we are the only species ‘who know we know’ and I expect therefore the only creatures who even think about them.
Emotions are subject to change, play often (if not always) a role in communication and it can be difficult to trust your own or those of others. Are emotions a result of your thoughts and therefore influenceable, or are they just feelings to deal with? Is a balanced emotional life possible? Is there always a time and place to express emotions, or should we withhold them at a place like work?
The skilled helpers in this collaborative project receive each month the challenge to ponder about a topic and write down their perspectives. Besides bringing you meaningful content to read, to gain insights for free, they also grow on their own personal path by doing so.
Reading their individual perspectives while compiling their articles into one, I gained some new insights myself. We all sure hope you do too.
Read the articles below and if it resonates, let us know by leaving a comment. Feel free to share your insights too! Don’t hesitate to Connect with one of the Skilled Helpers, in case you could use guidance.
Enjoy your weekend !
Patty Wolters – Skilled Helper – www.pattywolters.com
Emotions: Wherever I go there I am
by Claire Rajan
Emotions are challenging to understand, deal with, and live with effectively without careful consideration. Yet, emotions manage and maintain our earliest stages of life. Our feelings run and rule long before our mental cognitive processes turn on.
I want to approach the topic from personal experience. I will also discuss emotions from the perspective of the psycho-spiritual personality typing tool known as the Enneagram and the emotion of envy.
Being quite emotional and sensitive and sometimes even over-sensitive, I have “suffered” my emotional side for a large part of my life. On the one hand, I never quite understood myself or my emotions, and on the other, I spent my time hoping that others would understand me in my emotional capacity.
Furthermore, I had yet to consider how others perceived emotions or navigated emotions differently than I did.
THE ENNEAGRAM
The Enneagram offered me profound insight into the fact that I was innately wired differently and lived my life predominantly “feeling” my way through life.
Let’s examine how the Enneagram broadly categorizes nine types of individuals.
The Enneagram describes three “Centers of Intelligence”: i.e. Intellectual Center, Emotional Center, and Instinctual Center.
When typed correctly, an individual will belong to a “type” that in turn will belong in one of these three centers.
Thinking-based types lead with ideas, gather information, predictability, figure things out, and apply rational decision-making before acting. They focus on creating certainty and safety or finding multiple options
Feeling-based types lead with the heart, perceiving the world through emotionality. They focus on connection, love, bonding, empathy, compassion, approval, and recognition.
Body-based types lead with the body for movement, sensate awareness, and gut-level knowing. They focus on personal security, control, power, respect, social belonging, and/or action.
The Enneagram’s differentiation signifies that not everyone is driven by their emotions.
People can be emotionally inhibited, suppressive, repressive, expressive, sentimental, sensitive, inept, and distant, among other emotional behaviors.
Recognizing, understanding, and appreciating such variability is essential. It helps us realize that people are emotionally different and that we can grow emotionally.
Learning to view people through a broader emotional lens allows us to see them in who they are and not what we wish them to be (which often translates to “emote/be like me, or how I want you to emote/be”).
The Enneagram opens doors to self-awareness and relational and social awareness far better than any other tool. It offers developmental paths to go beyond identification and over-identification with a type.
Understanding my type helped me recognize my emotional footprint and sensitivity in a far more productive manner. Using the knowledge offered by the Enneagram, I have been able to correct myself in so many ways, and more than anything, I have valued what emotions have to offer.
From depth-psychology comes the idea of the “wounded feeling function.” It describes the importance of getting in touch with one’s feelings and performing the necessary inner work of “emotional/feelings integration” into one’s being, which, in part, leads to psychological wholeness.
At this point, I would like to explore a particular emotion I have had to navigate closely within my type and life journey. The emotion falls into a category known as “vices” within the Enneagram. This emotion is Envy.
ENVY
Envy arises within a relationship. It is experienced as a longing for something we perceive as valuable that belongs to or is possessed by another person. It generates a strong feeling of a real or imagined sense of lack. It stems from a seemingly endless need to compare ourselves with others and, in turn, perceive ourselves from a place of lack.
It can be observed in young children and continues building as people grow.
In the following paragraph, I will weave my way through the nature of envy. As a reader, I would like you to stay with each sentence and see how it applies to your life without dismissing or denying it. However, some people might experience envy more significantly than others, as indicated by the Enneagram. If we own and work through the emotion, then we will be able to release the charge and tension the emotion holds. This allows the inner doors appreciate ourselves and others without being drawn into envy.
As human beings, we constantly compare ourselves to others, even if we aren’t consciously aware of it. The comparison generates envy inside us. The envy inside us creates shame. The shame we feel makes us feel bad about ourselves. When we feel bad, we feel small, insignificant, and flawed. When we feel small, we carry low self-esteem. When we have low self-esteem, we don’t perceive our self-worth. When we don’t perceive our self-worth, we don’t know the “value of who we are and lose ourselves in the stronghold of self-abandoning comparison”.
PROCESSING ENVY
Processing the emotion of envy isn’t easy. It requires us to become aware of and own ourselves within a relationship. When we can continuously catch our envy, we can own it and engage in some form of integrative process to shift out of envy into equanimity.
RELATIONAL HARMONY
We are all seeking harmony in our lives. When people take the time to become aware of their darker emotions, they will soon realize how this plays a significant role in relational harmony.
EMOTIONAL DEPTH AND MEANING
Emotions are a beautiful aspect of human existence, adding depth, texture, color, and meaning to our lives. Sadly, they can also easily cause us to live in misery, confusion, conflict, and despair.
It’s worthwhile to understand our emotional footprint and own/process the emotions that do not add benefit to the quality of our lives. Healthy emotional awareness can fuel and sustain a richer and fuller life experience.
Connect with Claire Rajan, Life Coach & Enneagram Coach via wisdomrocks22 @ gmail.com
E-Motions – A Window to our Inner World
by Sukeshi Pandit Malhotra
“I gave myself permission to feel and experience all of my emotions. In order to do that, I had to stop being afraid to feel. In order to do that, I taught myself to believe that no matter what I felt or what happened when I felt it, I would be okay” – Iyanla Vanzant
A whiff of an aroma here, a strain of long-forgotten music there… in a fraction of a second, we are transported to another place, time & whole range of emotional experiences. Emotions can sneak up on us stealthily & color the tapestry of our present in a very different hue…much to our delight or dismay! You are having a perfectly beautiful day, suddenly you catch a look or remember something out of the blue, you witness a complete shift in your mindscape …the day no longer feels so great now!
Panacea or Curse – How do I view them?
The intellect & reasoning mind can fool us but emotions don’t lie. They are a mirror to our inner sanctum – our constructs, our conditioning & the filters we use to perceive the world around us. Emotion is a visceral response to our situations which helps us navigate our mental maps. Some people in our left brain dominant culture, often, viewed emotions as a road block to a healthy personality – an aberration that makes life complicated. But psychological research over the years has shifted the meaning of ‘emotions’ from being unnecessary “baggage” to “energy in motion”, something to be harnessed & channelised for our physical & mental well-being.
Being a fairly sensitive & emotional child, I was attuned to my emotional highs & lows early on. I would ride my emotional wave & let it work its way through my system! It’s another matter that while riding the wave the behavior displayed might not have been exemplary. Thankfully for me, I grew up in a family where expressing emotions, sitting with them & allowing them to tide over gradually was a normal thing. Whether it was my sister, sitting quietly with her emotions, sulking for hours, or the expressive me, flying off the handle, fuming away only to calm down as abruptly – both forms of emotional expression were perfectly acceptable & normalized. Of course, I had to learn to deal with my emotional waves with far greater constraint as I grew older & moved outside the cocoon of my home!!
The Story behind the Emotion
Every emotion we experience has a history to it – it didn’t just happen to knock at our door, on a simple whim! There is a belief system, a mental construct for it to manifest itself. When we are not attuned to our inner world & our triggers, we tend to focus solely on the emotional waves hitting us. We become the feelings arising within, the root cause sitting pretty in our unconscious mind, probably due to early childhood conditioning/survival mechanism, left unexplored.
Once the stimulus filters past our mental construct, there is an immediate psychological/autonomic response based on the threat perception, with bodily sensations (sweaty palms/increased heart rate) which in turn trigger the emotional response, setting a chain reaction into motion. The mind labels the event as negative or positive, giving rise to feelings resulting in defensive action. The action, executed mindlessly, can become a default behavior pattern over time – an unconscious response declaring – that’s who I am & that’s how I react to things!! Take it or leave it…
With lack of self-awareness, we develop a tendency to put our emotions in the driver’s seat heading for the next fallout. But these emotions hold the key to a better understanding of our inner workings – our mental blocks, limitations, belief systems, motivations, which can catapult us into constructive action where we most need it for our growth.
Self-Awareness & Emotional Regulation
The journey of self-awareness & self-regulation, for better emotional control is not an easy road, and often a life-long process. It demands honesty, perseverance, vigilance, patience, consistency, self-control & empathy. The more you practice, the better you get at it & the more rewarding it is.
I remember an incident in my early adulthood, when I was told by a well-meaning elderly relation that I was too transparent with my emotions; that it would prove detrimental to my well-being & my relationships in the long run. That I should learn to pause & temper my feelings, because, I may realize in hindsight that I overreact & end up regretting it. I was upset & hurt at the time, thinking he was being insensitive, & that his advice went against my code of authenticity. But, over the years, I have come to realize the wisdom of his words & learnt to practice self-control without the fear of being in-authentic.
Things which have worked for me to diffuse an emotionally charged situation & return to homeostasis include:
- Being mindful of triggers – The moment you feel like you are losing equanimity/balance in a situation, recognize that you are triggered.
- Taking a pause – literally…stop talking, take a few deep breaths to break the pattern & calm down
- Becoming a witness – Step back & become a witness to your situation, a fly on the wall, so you have a more detached/unbiased perspective.
- Defer decision making – If it’s not a critical issue, decide to take a break & walk away till you manage to get to a state of calmness.
Learn to sit with your emotion to understand why it has presented itself. It’s telling a story…listen patiently & empathetically. Don’t ignore or suppress it, it will come back with greater ferocity at an un-opportune time. If the emotional reaction seems justified, find a way to address the issue without letting the emotion take control of you. Keep it tethered to your rational mind while responding. Develop your own techniques to dig deeper & uncover the underlying issues. Train your emotional muscles regularly by whatever method works for you.
The more emotional resilience you develop, the healthier your relationships will be. Another thing to try is, invite honest inputs from people closest to you, so as to bring your blind-spots into active awareness & create an open dialogue if you see a pattern repeating in your life. I recently got one such reality check from my grownup son & was rather proud of the way we both handled it & of the fact that we came away wiser with better understanding of each other’s POV.
Be open to learn, to own up to your mistakes. Be adaptable, go with the flow, have a sense of humor & a light ego…all of these will go a long way when dealing with emotions.
Connect with Sukeshi Pandit Malhotra, Personal Mastery & Transformation Coach, via sukeshipm @ gmail.com
Equanimity: the key to a harmonious life
by Bernard Kates
Some might say that our emotions are the bane of our lives, and when we let our emotions control us that is probably true. We’ve all been there, haven’t we… Something happens and immediately we react without pausing to think first, often behaving in ways that we will regret later.
We learn these automatic, emotion-driven reactions very early in our formative years and we become so habituated to them that as we grow up they become part of life, part of the way the world works, and we rarely stop to think about them. If someone cuts me off in the traffic then of course I’m going to get angry, lean on the horn, shout insults and wave my middle finger, it’s only natural. Isn’t it?
The trouble is, if I’m carried away by an emotional reaction every time something happens, what’s happened to my rational, thinking mind? It’s been shoved out of the way, sidelined and forgotten while I carry on like a spoiled brat. I’m not thinking rationally while that’s going on, so it’s not all that surprising that the outcome isn’t particularly constructive.
What if our emotions had a switch so that we could turn them off, like Mr Spock in the Star Trek TV series? Then we could be rational and logical all the time. If we find ourselves on an out-of-control spaceship plunging headlong towards a painful death in a nearby black hole, our reaction is merely to raise one eyebrow by a millimetre and observe dryly, “fascinating.”
It doesn’t work, does it.
Our emotions are part of what makes us human.
Emotions are useful, if only we can learn to harness them and not be controlled by them. When an emotion is triggered by something that happens to us, that’s a message: pay attention, it says, something’s going on here. So far, so good, but if we then allow ourselves to react to that emotional signal, whatever it was, we’re back on the same old merry-go-round and our rational, thinking mind is left behind.
Far better, don’t you think, if we can receive the signal and then stop, take a good look at what triggered it, and figure out how we can best respond to it. So some idiot cut me off in the traffic, so what? Perhaps he really is an idiot. Perhaps he’s in a hurry, late for an appointment, feeling harassed and stressed to the max. Perhaps he’s an incompetent driver – the world is full of them! Perhaps he’s physically in the car but his mind is somewhere else entirely, so he’s going around in a little world of his own.
Whatever it is, it’s his problem and there is absolutely no point in me getting angry with him and then carrying on like a pork chop, as we say here in Australia. That’s what leads to so-called “road rage” that causes otherwise intelligent people to do things that are incredibly stupid. Let’s face it, we’ve all witnessed incidents of that kind and perhaps we’ve been involved in them, too. If instead of reacting angrily I can catch that emotional trigger, stop it, and think before I do anything, I’m letting my rational mind consider the situation and figure out an appropriate response, which in this case would be to take any necessary evasive action to avoid a collision and then to let the incident, and the emotional charge that it caused, go. If I hold on to it I’m going to carry my feelings of anger and resentment around with me, perhaps for the rest of the day, and that’s not going to help me much.
Think about that: if I’m carrying around a barely suppressed load of simmering anger and resentment, how’s that going to affect the way I interact with people in my life? I’m going to be irritable, short-tempered and liable to snap at the slightest thing. People around me will feel like they’re walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion. I’m sure we all know people like this. We tend to avoid them if we can. I don’t want to be like that, and I’m pretty sure you don’t, either.
The key to all this is mindfulness. By being mindful we can immediately be aware of an emotion that has been triggered, and we can choose what to do with it. Now we can make a conscious choice: react emotionally, or stop, think and respond rationally. This is the beginning of emotional intelligence. Now we can make our emotions work for us instead of the other way around. When we can do that we’re not only going to live a much happier life, we’re also going to enjoy much better relationships with everyone around us.
Equanimity is the art of living mindfully, not controlled by our emotions but using our emotions to inform us and to help us to make the best choices in any situation. When we’re living with equanimity nothing riles us, nothing throws us back into old, conditioned behaviour patterns, and we are able to be our authentic self.
Equanimity doesn’t mean we turn into some relentlessly logical, emotionless Mr Spock. It means we use our emotions mindfully, showing them when that’s appropriate, and always responding rationally to the situations in which we find ourselves. That is the way to a peaceful and harmonious life, and I’m sure we’d all like a bit more peace and harmony not only in our own lives but in the world around us too.
Connect with Bernard Kates, Transformational Leadership Coach and Mentor @ www.bernardkates.com
Sorry It Is Just Business: Workplace Have No Space for Emotions
by Kally Tay
Emotional outbursts in the workplace often stem from either work-related stressors or personal issues encroaching on professional settings. Indeed, managing emotions, particularly negative ones, is widely perceived as a hallmark of professionalism.
Research indicates that the most prevalent negative emotions experienced at work include frustration, worry, anger, dislike, and unhappiness. However, individuals may encounter various less common negative emotions, all of which can contribute to heightened stress levels.
Maintaining professionalism encompasses a spectrum of behaviours, including appearance and conduct, but the crux often lies in emotional regulation. Acknowledging emotions as integral to one’s identity is crucial; attempting to suppress or ignore them is both futile and counterproductive.
Contrary to popular belief, the notion of operating devoid of emotions is fallacious. Humans inherently experience a range of emotions, whether understood or not, and denying their presence is unrealistic. Therefore, learning to manage emotions effectively, rather than attempting to banish them, is essential.
A key strategy involves cultivating emotional intelligence—recognizing and utilizing emotions constructively without allowing them to overwhelm rational thought processes. Accepting emotions without judgment or reaction helps mitigate shame and fosters a healthier emotional landscape.
Moreover, negative emotions can evoke feelings of threat, influencing behaviour and organizational dynamics. Unchecked, these emotions can detrimentally impact individual performance and organizational culture, leading to decreased productivity and increased turnover rates.
Dealing effectively with negative emotions in the workplace is paramount, especially in today’s fast-paced environments where negativity can spread rapidly, undermining team cohesion. Although challenging, mastering emotional regulation yields substantial benefits, facilitating a positive mindset, mitigating burnout, and fostering collaborative work environments.
In essence, honing emotional management skills is a cornerstone of professional success, empowering individuals and teams to navigate challenges and thrive amidst dynamic work environments. As experts concur, adept emotional regulation not only promotes personal well-being but also enhances team synergy, driving organizational success in an ever-evolving landscape.
In wrapping up our exploration, it’s clear that understanding and managing emotions in the workplace is key for both personal and professional growth. Through our journey, we’ve seen how acknowledging and effectively dealing with emotions can boost productivity, foster teamwork, and create a positive work environment. By embracing emotional intelligence and adopting proactive strategies for emotional regulation, we can all navigate the ups and downs of our workdays with greater ease and resilience. So let’s keep prioritizing emotional well-being, because when we do, we’re not just improving our own lives, but also contributing to a happier and more successful workplace for everyone. Cheers to a future filled with emotional intelligence and workplace harmony!
Connect with Kally Tay, Freelance Expert @ www.middleme.net
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